I am tired of work and school. I don't know what to do anymore. But I know I have to go through this to achieve my goal. And this is aso a preparation for it. I am physically, emotionally and mentally drained.

I just want to walk away from everything. But of course I won't do that.

First Day

Between my last post and now, a lot of things happened. The job that I got, I didn't actually get. I got sooo depressed. They offered me a position at another facility. But they want me to take a look and see what my duties are before actually committing with the company. I just didn't like the idea because it's a very slow process. I really need the job because I start paying my student loans this month.

"When it rains, it pours!"

I got three job offers in one day, almost a week after the issue on the other facility. But, I chose the one that's near. It's like 5-7 minutes away from our house. It's even nearer rann's house. They offered me a better starting pay, too. I hope this goes well because to day is my first day and I'm sooo nervous.

And yeah, please remember me in your prayers. I have midterms next week. I have never freaked out on a midterm before until this.

boys + girls + booze = ???????

Go figure.

********

Am I that burnt so much in the past that I can't seem to trust people?

Well, maybe. You can blame my stupid ex-boyfriends for that. Just kidding. Ok?!

Apparently, I couldn't sleep very well. So, I decided to visit my blog and just whine about my thoughts and any other random stuff in my mind.

RANDOM STUFF #1
I have found a good use for my PSP just recently. BROWSING THE NET WHILE IN SCHOOL. Isn't that nice? Well, of course, I couldn't do that right in front of the professor. It's just for for those times in between classes.

RANDOM STUFF #2
I still can't accept the fact that my significant other is at his friend's house.. PARTYING! And he was the one who told me he was serious about school. Well, he only has a final exam for his class tomorrow. So, what the heck? Right?

RANDOM STUFF #3
I hate guys with vices.

RANDOM STUFF #4
I still don't know what to say for tomorrow's history presentation. My group is so unprepared. I think we're just supposed to read off the slides. I read the material. Come what may!

RANDOM STUFF #5
I hope we're okay by now. Then, this party came along and I'm once again.. you know! Not myself! Can I be more irrational and selfish than that?! Well, he was the one who told me about the bad stuff he used to do when he got drunk before. And it was NOT very pleasing to hear. So, I won't brag about it.

********

Now, I'm gonna go and try to get some sleep. HOPING... that he wouldn't be able to read about this. OH WELL!

What do we all want in a relationship?

Honestly.. I don't know anymore. I don't even know if I want to be in a relationship at times because it is so painful. Especially when you guys don't have anything nice to say to each other. You're supposed to bring out the best in each other. But you end up making the other person feel degraded. I'm not as jealous before as I am now. But I also do not think that that is my fault. I have a lot of shortcomings. But that doesn't make the other person.. good! He just doesn't admit he's wrong. And I don't wanna have to pinpoint everything to him because I can't. It's not possible to enumerate every bad deed that another person has done. I am not a bad person. I am not a bad person.

If I don't see something, that doesn't mean I'm blind! There's just nothing to see, really! I don't know what is hindering the feeling that he is showing me.. It's just not the same anymore! I'm kinda getting used to it though. I told him that he is less sweeter now than he is before. And he would always say that I'm forcing him. And with that, he is more reluctant to show his sweet side. That's not the answer that I wanted. I want him to say that everything will go back to normal. That everything's fine. But I don't here any of that. He's not giving me anything to hold on to.

I just hope that when time comes that he's willing to be himself again... I'm still here. If not, I tried!

I'm still waiting for things to change.
I'm still waiting for things to happen.

But if the time comes that I couldn't wait no more.... OH WELL!

Eyes Gone Bad

Yes. It's true. I went to the optometrist last Saturday and found out I needed glasses. I thought I was gonna be okay. But that was just the beginning. My employer required of me to have a physical exam. So, I was sent to a medical center that did those kind of things. They were pretty tough on that exam. I didn't know that it would matter if my glasses weren't available yet since I've only ordered them. (BTW, I got OAKLEY prescription glasses with transition lenses) Apparently, it did. They would not give me the OK because of my right eye. I got sooo depressed that it totally ruin my day. I seriously cannot believe it. My eyes are very important to me. And, having to use glasses on every little thing that I do is going to affect me a lot. I don't know what led to this. All I know is that, I am very much disheartened. Crying was the only thing I can do after being dropped off the house by the boyfriend.

I wish I become productive with my four-day weekend. Yes, a four-day weekend. Aren't you jealous?!

Finally!

I got a job. It's not exactly the "job of my dreams". Far from it, actually. But it's a start. I waited for "the call" for about a week and all the waiting paid off. I'm excited and nervous. Both of which are very common to a new nurse. OMGosh...

I actually called myself a nurse...

It feels weird!

This probably will be my last free weekend since I asked for the weekend shift. I have to say goodbye, again, to my non-existent social life. *sarcastic tone*

********

School is doing fine. Not great. Just fine. Too many papers... Even my history project requires article and book reviews. It's too much load. But I know it's only gonna get worse. It's sooo different from the college life I experienced in the Philippines. I can't even sleep well just thinking about the paper that's due next week or the math exam coming up. And I'm not even majoring yet. All I have are math (intermediate algebra), english (college writing), history (world civilization) and art (fundamentals). I don't even remember getting stressed for an Anatomy and Physiology quiz as much I have for a History discussion.

I seriously hope procrastination won't get the best out of me this weekend. So, I can finish with all my stuff.

********

Camille, lapit na birthday mo!!! I miss you! Love you lots!

Have you ever felt that feeling when you know something's wrong? And no matter how hard you try on isolating the problem... you just simply can't? How bout that much needed space? Well, not really much needed. But you know you just need to get away from it all. Have you ever felt like everyhing's a routine? Like you do stuff automatically, without even knowing the root of why you're doing it in the first place.

I have to admit. I have been feeling (kinda, sorta) that way lately. But not in the exaggerated type.

I always get into a fight with my significant other. And it's hard specially when you know that what you have is really a special thing. There would be times when we wouldn't know where it started. It got tiring. After all the bickering, the squabbling, the argument.. all you wanna do is just step back, turn your back, and leave. But you're not actually turning your back on him, only at the moment. It's hard. Really hard.

But I always take the blame. I've become the person that I'm not. I've become very irrational and shallow-minded. I know I'm better than that and I'm seriously trying to change. I just hope that he could see that though.

Don't you just wish that everytime something good turns to bad, we could just turn our back? *wishful thinking* But that's not possible. That's very immature.

I haven't been in my best shape lately and it's a problem that I have to deal with A.S.A.P. I just hope that things will work out the way it should be. I'm here to negotiate, not to dictate. Maybe it's in the way that I talk. That might be the reason he thinks I'm too manipulative. I'm not. But that's what he tells me. But like I said, I'm here to compromise. I'm willing to change.

I wish I could go back to my happy place.

I passed my board exams!!! I've been anxiously waiting for the results for the past 2 weeks and it finally came through!

Thanks for all those who prayed for me, those who messaged and replied to my posts. I really appreciate it!

Thank you, Lord, for answering my prayers!

God is good, all the time!

Happiness.

Oh come on?! Everyone wants it. I want it. Badly. And now? I think it's within my reach. It's just that I have a lot of doubts that clouds my view of what has come and is to come. I'm not a very patient person when I should be. Everything takes time. Maybe I should take Meredith's line seriously: "Rewards await those wait" or something like that. It's been quite a while since I've been feeling this uneasiness about a lot of sutff. And maybe it's time to let go and start anew. I'm trying my best here. Everyone deserves chances.

Christmas is right around the corner. It is my favorite holiday of the year. And I don't want to be spoiling it by being stupid and making indecisions that I will surely regret. So? I will keep my focus, study hard for my boards, start building my christmas village and by keeping my loved ones close. And try hard to keep my relationshhips. I've been very neglectful of them. I should start taking good care of the people who cares for me. "People care about people who care for themselves".

I. Just. Want. To. Be. Happy.

And make people happy at the same time.

Christmas is a happy holiday. I don't want to be spending it with fake-happy people. I want genuine happiness. And I'll start with myself..

I'm GUILTY. I've been neglecting this very dear blog of mine. I've been using my account in MULTIPLY.

So what's been up?!

A LOT!

I've been very busy. Boards are coming up and it's giving me panic attacks. I'm sooo nervous and all I've been doing is computer testing. I've never really opened any book. I'm sooo lazy.

I miss this blog.

Anyways, I've been very confused lately. Very confused about things that I could not disclose for now. I don't want to hurt anyone. All I want is to be happy. I don't know know why I'm trying sooo hard. Do we really have to work hard for it?!

Can someone tell me?

Does your past haunt you at times?

I know that's sooo out of the line.. but..